I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
