i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
