Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
