Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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