Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Randomize
