i would punch a child for taco bell
zippers are such a cool invention
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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