Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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