you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
