i jhust puked up my retainher.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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