SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
