I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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