my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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