So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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