One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
