Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
