when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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