he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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