So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
