Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
