Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
