Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
