New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
