So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
