the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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