so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize