So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
