As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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