I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
