allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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