i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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