just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
