Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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