I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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