I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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