if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
