if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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