Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
