i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
should my penis look like a turkey
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
