my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
