between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
