Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
