I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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