Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
