My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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