My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
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How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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