Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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