when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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