U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
