i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
