I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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