capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
