She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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