What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle