just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sext me about skeletons
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
