i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate