The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
