guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
