So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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