I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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