Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
