How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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