Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
